My Complex Life

I'm not going to talk about this at lenght but it feels wrong not to mention that i broke up with Cat last week. I havnt managed to figure anything out yet. All i am sure of is that i have done the right thing. At least for me. At least i think i'm sure of it. Anyway so that is messed up.

Also i am now in Kirkmichael, i couldnt afford to be in edinburgh any more. So i ran away. Not the right solution really, i am a bit cowardly. But here is my excuse: My sailing plan takes precedent, it has been a dream of mine for years now. I cant mess it up now.

The sailing has of course been messed up also. Nick finally did get back to me today: He doesnt like me. I am impulsive, i like to figure myself out as i go along. Nick is meticulous and plans every detail perfectly. This difference in outlook would have got very annoying. I cant say i'm too upset really, he was an odd sort of chap and would have become annoying simply because of his striking resemblance to a lizard. Also i had failed to get enough money together to pay for that trip. I would have ended up broke in the caribbean. Which while not a disaster is something I would rather avoid.

So now i'm heading off on board Blue Sky a Jeannea 49 that i sailed on last summer. It is owned by a gay couple; George and Michael. Collectively know as George Michael. I more or less got on very well with them last summer. I say more or less because any situation of confinement like that people will always get on your nerves. But i think it will be ace. Also they have a nice way of paying for all food and drink meaning i could sail to the caribbean and back with them without spending any money at all. So really its all for the best.

As things become more sorted over the next few weeks i shall update. But my plan roughly is:
-Spend a week or so at home
-go to ed to see cat and sort some things out
-hang around to see all the people in edinburgh i ran away from
-fly out to palma in majorca on the 21st
-sail to canaries slowly
-Leave for transat late november
-arrive caribbean mid december

figure the rest out when i get there

So that is all nice. Also a night or two in the pub will be needed around 16th.

Discharged

Fired: The v. sense of "sack, dismiss" is first recorded 1885 in Amer.Eng., probably from a play on the two meanings of discharge: "to dismiss from a position," and "to fire a gun," the second sense being from "set fire to gunpowder," attested from 1530.

Well ok i wasnt really fired. I quit before i was fired. And a good thing too, the mean ex-CID guy who comes to deal with terrible criminals like me was going to turn up today. Seriously it's so annoying for a £2.19 ready meal.

And another thing. I have not a single friend in edinburgh to go for a pint with me. All you people who know me but are out of edinburgh or not answering your phones hang your heads in shame. Alas and alack, i half fancy going and drinking by myself. But when not feeling too shiny to start with i suspect that might go badly.

And we are all broken hearted

Today i am completely shattered. Not physically, mentally. I'm fragmented and twisted and wretched and pitiful. After my trial sail with Nick last week i'm still waiting for a yes or a no on the mythical Brazil trip. Every passing day convinces me more that i will get a no. And then i have to figure out a new plan.

I cant just keep working at the shop. Because i'm going to fired sometime soon. I was the one who got caught, i'm being made an example of. Which i can deal with, it had to happen to someone. I just wish i could have persuaded my vindictive boss to let me work out my notice. But i cant. So i need a new plan.

Either I: Go find sailing people from last summer and cross the pond with them
Or: Go to lisbon and find random sailing people
Or: Go and learn to build boats
Or: Go and set up my genius photography company
Or: Stay in Ed, living with Cat
Or: Flee to a different City, somewhere, anywhere and live and work
Or: Walk out the door and travel aimlessly
Or: Anything

Bloody hell i dont know what to do. Also i am so not in the mood for the festival, all these happy interested people just make me Bitter. I want to scream and shout and hit things and get drunk and stoned until it all goes away. Except it wont. It'll all still be there when i sober up. All bold and unknown. The other thing is i'm not even sure i want to go sailing with Nick. I was so sure months ago. I guess i'll go if i can, but this is the thing. I dont know about anything. My entire future is so confused and unsettled i just dont know how to deal with it. I wish i could just enjoy life as it is. Without needing meaning and purpose and reason. Why cant i just be easy with the world like other people.