And we are all broken hearted

Today i am completely shattered. Not physically, mentally. I'm fragmented and twisted and wretched and pitiful. After my trial sail with Nick last week i'm still waiting for a yes or a no on the mythical Brazil trip. Every passing day convinces me more that i will get a no. And then i have to figure out a new plan.

I cant just keep working at the shop. Because i'm going to fired sometime soon. I was the one who got caught, i'm being made an example of. Which i can deal with, it had to happen to someone. I just wish i could have persuaded my vindictive boss to let me work out my notice. But i cant. So i need a new plan.

Either I: Go find sailing people from last summer and cross the pond with them
Or: Go to lisbon and find random sailing people
Or: Go and learn to build boats
Or: Go and set up my genius photography company
Or: Stay in Ed, living with Cat
Or: Flee to a different City, somewhere, anywhere and live and work
Or: Walk out the door and travel aimlessly
Or: Anything

Bloody hell i dont know what to do. Also i am so not in the mood for the festival, all these happy interested people just make me Bitter. I want to scream and shout and hit things and get drunk and stoned until it all goes away. Except it wont. It'll all still be there when i sober up. All bold and unknown. The other thing is i'm not even sure i want to go sailing with Nick. I was so sure months ago. I guess i'll go if i can, but this is the thing. I dont know about anything. My entire future is so confused and unsettled i just dont know how to deal with it. I wish i could just enjoy life as it is. Without needing meaning and purpose and reason. Why cant i just be easy with the world like other people.