I been having a bit of a spaz out all week. I'm at home where for once the sun is shining and it's nice. But it's been one of those weeks filled with news. I didnt get funding for my research assistant job, which totally sucks. And it is looking extremely unlikely that i will graduate with a degree, i get a kind of ceremony without any of the meaning. Which is very lame. So to remind myself why i am happy, Three beautiful things i have seen recently:
I was in Cat's flat at lunch time, the radio is on, i was totally absorbed in the Odyssey. It's an amazing book, rich and complex, and great fun. I get a call from Cat, she was in the library trying to scan things for her portfolio, her memory pen wasnt working, so i set off with a blank CD. Spring this year was odd, it felt like one day there weren't any leaves, the next every tree had leaves the next day blossom was everywhere, the next it all fell off. This day was the last of those four, i walked out of Cat's flat and there was blossom everywhere, it's blustery so it swirled around me. Great circles of pale pink. I had finished Uni at this point, but recently enough so the fear hadn't set in. As i walked across the road right under a huge tree covered in blossom the wind gusts up. This gust of wind pulled half the blossom of this tree in a few seconds. I couldnt help but laugh out loud as i stood under a waterfall of blossom, it streamed down the road behind me, parting for cars and people like water round a stone. For the rest of my walk to the library I was stupidly happy, reminded how beautiful the world is.
A few weeks after that i was at work, a good shift, Chris and Mark on, which meant the work got done but lots of fun was had doing it. I left at eight o'clock, it was starting to get dark, the gloamin i guess. It had been raining on and off for the last few hours, i had been in the wine store watching a few heavy rain showers, wishing i was in them. As i left the shop it smelled as it does after rain, the air was cool crisp and clean. Not a car in sight, i walked past the pub to see i regular playing guiter, he gave me a nod as i passed and started to sing again. Sciennes road is wide and has trees on one side, i walked under them as it started to rain again. The
Cinematic Orchestra were playing on my headphones. The drops of rain mixed with the music, looking down i could see leaves and blossom floating in the puddles, bubbles rose and burst on the surface. Big drops fell from the leaves plinking in the puddles. The reflection of the darkening sky in the puddles changed colour and shape constantly. I stode through the rain, the music fitted my mood and the weather perfectly. It was one of the nicest walks home i have had in a long time.
Today I have been messed up, I dont knwo what i happening with this summer, I am worried about money and friends and Cat and flats and everything. I needed to sort my head out, I put
Explosions in the Sky on Dad's awesome HiFi and flung the living room windows open. Outside the sun poured down, it felt like summer, birds sang and the grass was green. I lay on the grass and watched the sky. After fifteen minutes of lying on the grass, thinking and listening to music. The thinking stopped, everything that was in my head was sensory. I could feel the sun on my face, the music in my ears, the wind in my hair. And all i could see was the perfectly blue sky, fine pale clouds pulled across it, and the leaves of the trees. It was such an ordinary sight, but so beautiful, birds came and went, i watched them, car's passed on the main road but didnt bother me. For a while i was completely without thought.
Those three times were beautiful, different moments, different reasons but all made me happy. The point is every now and then then I realise how stupidly beautiful the world is, when that happens the troubles of life fade to meaninglessness. Two other times that were not as perfect but nice: when i finally got a brief moment of sailing in good conditions for the first time in six months before we had to give up the race and go play the hero (of which more another day). And the moment of genuine selfless happiness for someone else without a trace of jelousy of envy that I had when I heard that Jen got a first for her degree.
Yeah so i'm broke I don't have a good job, or a flat for the summer, I dont know what to do about the fact that I'm leaving my Girlfriend for six months or more, and I'm not conviced I can even cope with sailing across an ocean. But goddamn the world is beautiful. And I am free to see that.
